In therapy we’ve moved right away from the EMDR and going back to trauma. This makes the sessions a lot easier to deal with. The subjects we talk about aren’t that fun, but I don’t have the experience of being depressed for days after a session either. It’s more like having a regular conversation, but all about me instead of about both of us.
Last time, I brought up the amounts of angry thoughts I was having. Ms T didn’t think much of my idea of watering the good seeds. She thinks instead that I’m obsessing on angry thoughts because I haven’t dealt with my feelings about my childhood and whatever else I’m angry about.
I know that watering the good seeds could be a kind of denial and fleeing from what I really experience. Saying to myself, oh, I won’t think about this, it’s too negative – you have to be careful not to use it as a mechanism for avoidance.
I am angry with my parents for being inadequate parents. So we talk about that. Ms T feels I am not ‘dealing with my feelings’. So I ask her what she means. Here we are talking about my past. I feel angry. And sad. She says I’m not really feeling it somehow.
Well, how can I feel it then. I cannot conjure up feelings.
And this is the end of this inadequate post. I feel I want to write but do not know how to get any further.