I am still down with the flu. It’s an extremely wimpy flu. No fever, no headache, no vomiting….I have basically two symptoms – aching limbs, specifically my legs and weakness with fatigue. The weakness is lingering the most.
It’s an annoying kind of flu, because though my suffering is not great, I am very handicapped. I have to keep lying down, can’t go anywhere, and after a week, I am getting grouchy and depressed both. Plus, my friends tend to say – well, try going for a walk, you’ll feel better. If it was psychological, yes, I’d feel better. But it’s a flu, I whine.
I have issues, I’ll admit. So then everyone assumes all my woes are psychological. No fair. Though to tell the truth, I tend to think the same. It can be difficult to distinguish between the exhaustion of depression and the fatigue of a flu.
A few days ago, I spoke to a friend whom I’d had tea with recently, and she asked me my symptoms. Turned out, she’d had exactly this flu two weeks ago, and been off work a week with it. Hah, vindication! I have a real illness someone else has had and gotten a doctor’s note for. Yes!
I can see how never seeing anyone leads to depression. I saw a friend briefly last weekend, and since then have not had much contact with the human race, except by telephone. I’m starting to live only in my own mind, and it’s an odd feeling. I miss the world.
I’ve sent out a few job apps in answer to ads, but other than that, I couldn’t face looking. I am getting more and more worried. But trying not to think about it. What I need to do, by all accounts, is phone people. This is something I’m scared of doing. I actually have a bit of a phobia about the phone. I don’t mind talking on it if someone calls me, but rarely call anyone else. My friends know this and tend to call me.
Setting out to call a bunch of strangers at companies that might have work is extremely anxiety provoking for me. I actually feel sick to my stomache at the thought. Yet answering ads is getting me absolutely no where. I think I might as well take all my days off and enjoy myself instead of bothering with ads. I have not had one reply to an ad for four months.
So I will need to face the phone down. Maybe if I called ten people every day, friends or strangers, it would diminish my fear? I actually feel my life is not worth living if I have to do that – I’ll resist all day. I’ll feel like an abused slave, with an overseer cracking the whip, forcing me to do things. Or I won’t make the calls, and feel ashamed all day long that I haven’t.