I am still down with the flu. It’s an extremely wimpy flu. No fever, no headache, no vomiting….I have basically two symptoms – aching limbs, specifically my legs and weakness with fatigue. The weakness is lingering the most.

It’s an annoying kind of flu, because though my suffering is not great, I am very handicapped. I have to keep lying down, can’t go anywhere, and after a week, I am getting grouchy and depressed both. Plus, my friends tend to say – well, try going for a walk, you’ll feel better. If it was psychological, yes, I’d feel better. But it’s a flu, I whine.

I have issues, I’ll admit. So then everyone assumes all my woes are psychological. No fair. Though to tell the truth, I tend to think the same. It can be difficult to distinguish between the exhaustion of depression and the fatigue of a flu.

A few days ago, I spoke to a friend whom I’d had tea with recently, and she asked me my symptoms. Turned out, she’d had exactly this flu two weeks ago, and been off work a week with it. Hah, vindication! I have a real illness someone else has had and gotten a doctor’s note for. Yes!

I can see how never seeing anyone leads to depression. I saw a friend briefly last weekend, and since then have not had much contact with the human race, except by telephone. I’m starting to live only in my own mind, and it’s an odd feeling. I miss the world.

I’ve sent out a few job apps in answer to ads, but other than that, I couldn’t face looking. I am getting more and more worried. But trying not to think about it. What I need to do, by all accounts, is phone people. This is something I’m scared of doing. I actually have a bit of a phobia about the phone. I don’t mind talking on it if someone calls me, but rarely call anyone else. My friends know this and tend to call me.

Setting out to call a bunch of strangers at companies that might have work is extremely anxiety provoking for me. I actually feel sick to my stomache at the thought. Yet answering ads is getting me absolutely no where. I think I might as well take all my days off and enjoy myself instead of bothering with ads. I have not had one reply to an ad for four months.

So I will need to face the phone down. Maybe if I called ten people every day, friends or strangers, it would diminish my fear? I actually feel my life is not worth living if I have to do that – I’ll resist all day. I’ll feel like an abused slave, with an overseer cracking the whip, forcing me to do things. Or I won’t make the calls, and feel ashamed all day long that I haven’t.

  1. kazari said:

    I share your phone phobia, or maybe I used to. It hasn't been so bad lately. I just used to hate calling strangers, but now I've found another way to think about it. Did you ever get a phone call from anyone, and they were so cheerful it brightened your day? Even if it was a telemarketer?So now I try to be that person.Or else I try to be Nancy Drew, and I'm on the phone to track down a mystery (like who is the right person to send my CV to?)Either way, I hope you feel better soon, and the job hunt improves.

  2. Ellen said:

    Hi Kazari,I must admit, a telemarketer has never cheered me up. But those are good tips and I will try them. Good to know phoning is better for you now.Thanks for the comment.

  3. Nechtan said:

    Hi Ellen,Sorry to hear you are down with the flu. Even without the other symptoms the ones you have are enough to make you restless and at the same time listless. I hope things pick up soon and you can get out again. As you said it becomes very hard to differentiate between things like a virus and those symptoms like fatigue brought on by exhaustion due to prolonged tension. I understand you delight in being vindicated. Whenever I feel this way I am always looking at my wife to see if she is feeling off and if she is then I know its probably a bug if the symptoms match. For some reason it does feel better when you know they are not psychological.All the bestNechtan

  4. Achelois said:

    Stumbled one day across your blog via i'm confused's.. The photo is beautiful, I love autumnal colours.Really hope the flu with horrid symptoms goes soon and you start to feel better. Good luck with the job hunting.Kazari's comment on Nancy Drew sounds a good distraction option for stress avoidance on the phone call front!!

  5. Ellen said:

    @Nechtan – Thanks Nechtan. You understand exactly. I don't know why we prefer the symptoms not to be psychological, as the psychological are just as difficult, but we do. @Achelois – Thanks. I'll be putting on my Nancy Drew hat, tomorrow I hope. ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. diver said:

    Ah well, it's flu season. Hopefully you're feeling better now, and thus inoculated you won't get another bout this winter ๐Ÿ™‚ I have a similar phone phobia … rarely answer it; practically never use it myself; and regularly suggest to my wife that we have it disconnected (ostensibly 'to save money'). You wrote … 'Setting out to call a bunch of strangers at companies that might have work is extremely anxiety provoking for me.' Why do you suppose this is the case? Were it me in that position I guess I'd struggle with the task because I'd feel like I was invading others' privacy by bothering them with my selfish agenda. It's not really an 'esteem' issue. I just dislike pumping up the 'ole ego and ambition and foisting it on others … seems (to me) somehow 'wrong' to do so.

  7. Ellen said:

    Thanks Diver. I'm on an upward trend now at least. Though it didn't seem to be H1H1 so I don't think I'm immune. I'll still get the shot if I can.I'm not sure that trying to put food on the table is really pumping up the ego. If I did think that, that would be irrational. Not that being irrational stops my runaway thoughts of course. But if anything, it's taking your pride in your hands, and saying, hey, I need to make some money, like everyone else, and in the process, I can help your business also. A lot of people do feel that it is degrading to call people about work, somehow. I don't think that. Maybe it's the problem of possibly interrupting their activities. It is a problem I just haven't solved yet. Nice to know I'm not alone anyway.

  8. diver said:

    Comprendo … food on table in exchange for helping their business. You expressed it well.

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