Gloom gloom toil and doom….Once again, a negative and whining type of post. Please skip if you find gloom catching.
I went for more therapy yesterday, and once again subjected myself to some EMDR. This time we talked for more than half the session. I was reluctant to launch into EMDR, as is fairly natural IMO. Who wants to deliberately partake of a train wreck?
After the last session, I was unable to function for several days, and then immediately got sick. Part of the memory was of being sick to my stomach, and I got a stomach type of flu – suspiciously psycho somatic, but with virus like features, namely aching limbs and needing to sleep all the time.
I am just getting better, and didn’t want to go back there thank you very much.
Also, my somatic memories got a lot worse. I was having them all the time in those two intervening weeks. Though no dissociation, which is good. And my sleep got a lot worse – I kept waking up every few hours, and taking a long time to go back to sleep.
However, talking, at least with Ms T, doesn’t yield a whole lot for me. I know my family was difficult and I know basically how, and she doesn’t know me well enough to be able to suggest anything new. I can’t remember any more about the trauma that we were working on last time to have anything new to say.
So we talked a bit about my social difficulties. She suggested joining a book club. Wow. If I had a dollar for every person who has suggested joining a book club to make friends, I could buy myself a very fancy meal downtown. Joining a book club is pretty well useless as a way of combating social anxiety. First of all, you have to invest maybe 60 solitary hours reading a book that may or may not be to your taste. There is only one two hour meeting a month, where you then have to have an ‘intellectual’ type discussion about it – not easy if you’re scared to even say hello.
No, the way to overcome it is to make daily small steps. Not setting yourself a time consuming task before you can socialize, like reading a particular book. That’s too big a deal. I think what I should do is try to have daily small conversations with people I don’t know well. By having a daily small challenge, I’ll build confidence. To be fair, we did discuss that and she thought I should do it. Wasn’t her suggestion though.
So today, I drew out a bit of chit chat with a (married) guy I know slightly who is friends with the guy upstairs. I answered the door, and instead of leaving him to wait by himself, I stayed and chatted. He looked a little surprised, but hey, what the heck.
Yesterday I made a few remarks to the grumpy grocery check out lady. She continued on her grumpy way, but I didn’t take it personally. Good step for me.
We also discussed my tendency to be impatient with people when they are slow or ill-informed. Very bad quality of mine.
We did do a bit of EMDR towards the end of the session, with which I credit my current state of lethargy and lack of motivation. Really, today I have only been on a walk to the cheaper natural food store to buy supplements. Ouch, still expensive cause I bought in bulk. I napped. I watched the dreaded day time TV. Really, my life is going to hell in a hand basket.
The EMDR this time sent me ‘back in time’ to somewhere different, not the trauma. It was some vague scene to do with the old apartment we lived in when I was a child. I was angry (I’m always angry in these EMDR scenarios) and perhaps being punished for some misdeed. Nothing was really clear, except I had a sense of what I was wearing, and of my father’s presence. But I was nowhere near as upset as I was in the last session. I was so relieved (in the present) that I wasn’t plunged into some awful scenario. The EMDR seems to work a lot like hypnosis – it kind of makes me dopey and then sends me back in time. Like going down a tunnel, and then not seeing at all clearly, though things seem to be happening.
So now I feel flattened and down and unmotivated. No clear reason. Perhaps clarity will come with time.