Difficult


It’s been a difficult day. I feel as if I’ve been in some kind of accident or something. As if nothing is quite worthwhile, and life doesn’t make sense. Some kind of invisible wound that’s bleeding internally and can’t be explained.

I did do two things today. What on earth were they? I made an appointment at the vet for the cat. I bought wine. I also did something else which escapes me. Oh, I did little book reviews of the books I’ve read so I could take them back to the library. Yikes, fines of over 20 bucks.

So far this year I’ve read 35 books, not counting a bunch that I didn’t finish. I’m in a little book group on a book retail website where we are trying to read 50 books. So, 35 isn’t bad for September (I have until December 31). I’ll have to fit in some fast reads though to get to 50. The last one I read was Persepolis by Marjit Atrapi. It’s a graphic novel – lovely black and white drawings, and small stories of her childhood growing up in Tehran during the Islamic revolution. There was a movie based on the book last year, which was also fantastic.

I love Marji’s feistiness as even a small child, trying to make sense of a world that didn’t make much sense. I also grew up in a world that didn’t make sense. Rebelling and fighting back. I wish I’d had her spirit. The main way I knew how to keep my spirit intact was to read stories endlessly. There are worse things to do.

The world still doesn’t make sense. I seem to be fated to endlessly look for work. Jobs don’t stick to me. Something tends to go wrong. Lately it’s been all contracts, so of course they don’t last, and this is not my fault. But is it so hard for other grown-ups, just trying to find work? It’s like Sisyphus endlessly rolling his stone up that steep steep hill, only to have it roll back down again.

Of course I’m upset about the partial memory that came up in therapy yesterday. Best not to apply those feelings to the rest of my life. They are attached to that memory. But still. Things are just endlessly difficult for me.

Pity party. I’ll get through the difficult feelings. Maybe I should just go to the park every day and lie in the sun, maybe that is all I can do just now. Soak up nature somehow. That must be healing. Wait for the economy to improve without me.

Art: powellhistory.com/art

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