Today is what I’d call a PTSD day. I’ve had these days before, and they are murder. Because I exercised more than usual yesterday (walking home from the movie), my sleep was interrupted with me surfacing every few hours. Then I woke up, super alert, at 5 am. I did the usual routine for getting back to sleep (small snack, reading, focused on breathing, calming supplement), and at 6 fell back asleep. Slept till 8:30, then got up extremely groggy.
Since then my day is a struggle to stay upright. I feel as if I am in a grey fog and cannot focus on any task. My mind is full of depressing thoughts. The idea of looking for work is just overwhelming. Eating a meal is a difficult task, though I am hungry.
It’s as if I’ve fallen into a major depression, except I know that if I get a decent night’s sleep tonight, it will have dissipated by tomorrow. Which is good compared to having major depression, which can last for months. But it’s one more day where I cannot really function with no great reason to give anyone.
I know what the symptom of disrupted sleep is – it’s as if I have to stay alert all night for possible danger. It’s the way I imagine a cat in the wild sleeps – able to awaken instantly and fully alert. But cats are built for that and I’m not.
As usual, the exercise seems to have triggered a bad memory that is still outside of my awareness, but that affects my whole body with feelings of being unsafe. And today with a grey and confusing depression.
If I had this type of sleep every day, as I believe some PTSD sufferers do, I would be well and truly disabled. Thank God that this is not an everyday occurrence for me.
In the meantime, I will try and do gently positive things. Have some soup. Go for a walk. I won’t expect myself to cope normally. Just letting myself off the hook this way should help. As well as not giving up entirely – I will do a few things.
Fractal art from: Digital Expressionism