I’m in a bad mood but I feel like writing. So dear reader, perhaps you should skip this post. Pure complaining, grumpiness, outrage, moodiness, negativity and other unpleasant things are likely to follow. You’re going to stick with it in the hopes of some interesting revelation? Nope, nothing will be revealed. This is a pure waste of reader’s time post.

A quick trip to the drugstore has supplied me with a hit of Lindt dark chocolate, so I’m now fueled enough out of my torpor to share my thoughts with the world.

I was triggered badly enough at the assessment yesterday that I’m having a day of tearfulness and wanting to fall asleep. Sigh. And I was to make my second visit to my brand spanking new therapist today which I hoped would take the edge off. She called me early this morning and canceled our appointments for the next few weeks as she’s had a death in the family. I am sorry, and I have no idea if she was close to the person, and also of course in the scheme of things a death is so astronomically more important than my feelings on this particular day, and I realize all this. But still, it was not what I wanted.

I feel like I just jumped aboard a raft which has now sprung an enormous leak.

Then the psychologist from yesterday phoned me, as she said she would, which I appreciate. The program she is thinking of has a wait list of 6 months. Which seems a long time to me, as I’ve been looking for something for many months already. But still. She did the work of calling them and getting my name on their list, for which I am grateful.

So I’m back to coping on my own. Which I have been doing for years of course. It’s just that when you start opening stuff up, it gets more difficult.

I cannot face telling anyone else (another professional) about my PTSD symptoms for the next little while. It’s too hard on me to do that. I’ve done what I can for now. Now I will just sit tight and do the best I can to look on the bright side of life and stay away from triggers until I have more supports in place.

My internal weather has been cloudy with rain. Also fog rolled in towards the afternoon. One of those days where you might as well stay in bed. Strange disturbance roiling about and breaking through periodically.

Though oddly enough, when this stuff breaks through, at least the anxiety goes away. I feel sad but not anxious.

Also, I was able to get some paperwork done that I’d been putting off. All envelopes have been opened and contents filed or otherwise dealt with. Less anxiety does let me get a few things done.

That’s all I want to say. I feel sad, drained but calm. More temperate weather expected soon.

Photo: Rural City of Wangaratta

  1. Nechtan said:

    Hi Ellen,Its not surprising you feel down. To open up to the hurt and then be left to it is not helpful- even if there are unforseen circumstances. Also I think when you catch a wave of positivity as you have done only for it to crash prematurely it will bring the mood down.I wish there was wise advice I could give but as you know yourself its one of those situations that you are left with and must cope with as best as you can. Hopefully its a blip and your mood will lift soon again. The one great thing about having your own blog is getting all the inner frustration out. Personally I find it the one place where I can be completely honest and that in itself helps.All the bestNechtan

  2. Ellen said:

    Hi Nechtan,You commented on my 'so negative don't bother reading it' post, lol. Thank you.You're right – I'm trying to get a handle on my experience by expressing it, as you sometimes are too. It helps.I don't know if it's the same for panic, but with trauma, unfortunately one thing snowballs into a bunch of different things very easily. That's what's happened to me this time.Cheers

  3. Tess said:

    Ellen, I'm glad you wrote you "don't bother to read it" post. I like the way Nechtan put it – you've caught the wave and now you're temporarily struggling for breath again.I'm glad you were able to get this frustration out here. Blogs (and journals) can be a form of therapy I often think.Warmest wishes

  4. alice said:

    hi ellenwhen i was well, i tended to do that. keep busy and get the things done that normally i didnt want to do. hope your feeling better. its a slow slog, and sometimes i equate it to losing weight. if you were 20 stones (i think 221 pounds) you wouldnt get up the next morning and be 10stone. it would be a constant battle. you would learn from your mistakes along the way. i hope that makes sense.x

  5. Ellen said:

    @ Tess – Thanks for coming by Tess and for the kind words.@ Alice – Yeah, at least when I get a few things done, I feel like I have some control. Thx

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