I’m in a bad mood but I feel like writing. So dear reader, perhaps you should skip this post. Pure complaining, grumpiness, outrage, moodiness, negativity and other unpleasant things are likely to follow. You’re going to stick with it in the hopes of some interesting revelation? Nope, nothing will be revealed. This is a pure waste of reader’s time post.
A quick trip to the drugstore has supplied me with a hit of Lindt dark chocolate, so I’m now fueled enough out of my torpor to share my thoughts with the world.
I was triggered badly enough at the assessment yesterday that I’m having a day of tearfulness and wanting to fall asleep. Sigh. And I was to make my second visit to my brand spanking new therapist today which I hoped would take the edge off. She called me early this morning and canceled our appointments for the next few weeks as she’s had a death in the family. I am sorry, and I have no idea if she was close to the person, and also of course in the scheme of things a death is so astronomically more important than my feelings on this particular day, and I realize all this. But still, it was not what I wanted.
I feel like I just jumped aboard a raft which has now sprung an enormous leak.
Then the psychologist from yesterday phoned me, as she said she would, which I appreciate. The program she is thinking of has a wait list of 6 months. Which seems a long time to me, as I’ve been looking for something for many months already. But still. She did the work of calling them and getting my name on their list, for which I am grateful.
So I’m back to coping on my own. Which I have been doing for years of course. It’s just that when you start opening stuff up, it gets more difficult.
I cannot face telling anyone else (another professional) about my PTSD symptoms for the next little while. It’s too hard on me to do that. I’ve done what I can for now. Now I will just sit tight and do the best I can to look on the bright side of life and stay away from triggers until I have more supports in place.
My internal weather has been cloudy with rain. Also fog rolled in towards the afternoon. One of those days where you might as well stay in bed. Strange disturbance roiling about and breaking through periodically.
Though oddly enough, when this stuff breaks through, at least the anxiety goes away. I feel sad but not anxious.
Also, I was able to get some paperwork done that I’d been putting off. All envelopes have been opened and contents filed or otherwise dealt with. Less anxiety does let me get a few things done.
That’s all I want to say. I feel sad, drained but calm. More temperate weather expected soon.
Photo: Rural City of Wangaratta