I do wish I had that one person that I could spend time with, someone who would not stress me out, where I could be myself and not need to set up endless activities in order to have someone around. Well, perhaps in the future. For now, I know I need to keep socializing and getting out and about on my own.
I never did learn how to socialize as a young person, due to social anxiety. So I’m learning it now I suppose. I’ll never be a party girl, but I’m learning to be ‘part of a group’ girl.
Friday I dashed out to see the movie Humpday with a friend. Despite the unfortunate title, I’d recommend this one. It’s funny and interesting, with good acting by all three main actors. The premise is silly (two friends plan to enter an erotic video contest by filming themselves, two straight guys, having sex), but the interactions of the three main characters are realistic and funny. After we went for Italian grilled sandwiches and sat outdoors in a cafe. Then went to the local big bookstore.
My friend is a poet, so he looks to see if any of his work is available. We found one anthology with one of his poems in it. I stood there reading it and couldn’t understand it, which is my fate with a lot of poetry. Luckily, the writer was present, so he explained the references and then I got it.
Saturday was a barbecue out of town to celebrate my uncle’s 75th birthday. He recently moved into a new house in the country about 2 hours drive away. I asked a friend to go with me and luckily she was game.
The barbecue was the most exhausting thing. It was good that I had my own vehicle, so I could leave when I wanted. I was to bring a cous cous salad, which I should have made the day before but didn’t. So I was running around making this salad, then dashing off in the car. Kind of flustered by the time I got there.
I couldn’t resist the pool. It was lovely to float in the floating lounger affair, a drink in the arm-rest. The country sky was perfect – blue with some floaty wisps of clouds. Then I swam a bit also.
Which was a mistake. Exercise makes me kind of dissociated, which I always forget. Socializing just is impossible when dissociated. Luckily, I’d brought some medication and that helped quite a bit.
The extended family is fine – I don’t know them that well, but they’ve been in my life for such a long time. They’re OK. I’m kind of confused about where the exhaustion came from actually.
Sunday I lay around. I did some yoga, listened to music and read my novel. I’d signed up for a movie with a movie group, so I headed off to do that in the afternoon. Another good movie, Summer Hours, French. This one is slow and arty, so not for everyone. The movie was about the passing of tradition and culture and the coming of globalisation. Lovely cinematography and I liked hearing the French language as well as seeing the European scenery.
It’s a movie group, so after the movie we went to a pub, sat outdoors and discussed the movie. I enjoyed the discussion, then walked home.
Today (Monday) I’d organized a small group to go for a walk by the lake. We did that, and also I went for a tea with another friend.
Now I’m just so so so tired. Too much. I think the barbecue, salad, and drive there and back just took so much out of me I would have needed two days of doing nothing to recover. Which would be boring, no?
It seems to me I should be able to do this stuff. But unfortunately, what with having anxiety in some of these situations, and just going through some difficult emotions in general, I don’t have much energy to spare. In the past, I’ve erred on the side of doing too little. Now, somehow, I’ve tipped into doing too much.
Photo by Mr Bones