Long weekend


I’m feeling off-balance and off-centre and I’m not entirely sure what has gone wrong. We’ve had a long weekend and I did pack it with activity. Perhaps I needed more downtime…

I do wish I had that one person that I could spend time with, someone who would not stress me out, where I could be myself and not need to set up endless activities in order to have someone around. Well, perhaps in the future. For now, I know I need to keep socializing and getting out and about on my own.

I never did learn how to socialize as a young person, due to social anxiety. So I’m learning it now I suppose. I’ll never be a party girl, but I’m learning to be ‘part of a group’ girl.

Friday I dashed out to see the movie Humpday with a friend. Despite the unfortunate title, I’d recommend this one. It’s funny and interesting, with good acting by all three main actors. The premise is silly (two friends plan to enter an erotic video contest by filming themselves, two straight guys, having sex), but the interactions of the three main characters are realistic and funny. After we went for Italian grilled sandwiches and sat outdoors in a cafe. Then went to the local big bookstore.

My friend is a poet, so he looks to see if any of his work is available. We found one anthology with one of his poems in it. I stood there reading it and couldn’t understand it, which is my fate with a lot of poetry. Luckily, the writer was present, so he explained the references and then I got it.

Saturday was a barbecue out of town to celebrate my uncle’s 75th birthday. He recently moved into a new house in the country about 2 hours drive away. I asked a friend to go with me and luckily she was game.

The barbecue was the most exhausting thing. It was good that I had my own vehicle, so I could leave when I wanted. I was to bring a cous cous salad, which I should have made the day before but didn’t. So I was running around making this salad, then dashing off in the car. Kind of flustered by the time I got there.

I couldn’t resist the pool. It was lovely to float in the floating lounger affair, a drink in the arm-rest. The country sky was perfect – blue with some floaty wisps of clouds. Then I swam a bit also.

Which was a mistake. Exercise makes me kind of dissociated, which I always forget. Socializing just is impossible when dissociated. Luckily, I’d brought some medication and that helped quite a bit.

The extended family is fine – I don’t know them that well, but they’ve been in my life for such a long time. They’re OK. I’m kind of confused about where the exhaustion came from actually.

Sunday I lay around. I did some yoga, listened to music and read my novel. I’d signed up for a movie with a movie group, so I headed off to do that in the afternoon. Another good movie, Summer Hours, French. This one is slow and arty, so not for everyone. The movie was about the passing of tradition and culture and the coming of globalisation. Lovely cinematography and I liked hearing the French language as well as seeing the European scenery.

It’s a movie group, so after the movie we went to a pub, sat outdoors and discussed the movie. I enjoyed the discussion, then walked home.

Today (Monday) I’d organized a small group to go for a walk by the lake. We did that, and also I went for a tea with another friend.

Now I’m just so so so tired. Too much. I think the barbecue, salad, and drive there and back just took so much out of me I would have needed two days of doing nothing to recover. Which would be boring, no?

It seems to me I should be able to do this stuff. But unfortunately, what with having anxiety in some of these situations, and just going through some difficult emotions in general, I don’t have much energy to spare. In the past, I’ve erred on the side of doing too little. Now, somehow, I’ve tipped into doing too much.

Photo by Mr Bones

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4 comments
  1. Just rest up for a few days and you'll be good to go again.If I do too much socializing then I too need to take five and recover.

  2. Nechtan said:

    Hi Ellen,I think its to be expected in one way that with all the activities you will feel some tiredness. It is great though that you are getting out and doing so much. The other thing I have found myself though is that because mentally these activities can be challenging we create a lot of tension in our bodies that we don't realise at the time which then leads to tiredness later. For example after the swimming you were probably tensing quite a bit as you battled to keep the situation under control. It may be different in your case but I thought I would offer it anyway because if this is the case then it might be worth trying to conciously loosen the body in these situations when you can.Again though I have to say I admire how you are not shying away from problems and instead getting out there. That is no easy thing to do so I hope you take time to remind yourself of just how well you are doing and listen to your body as well- give it a little time off if it needs it.All the bestNechtan

  3. Ellen said:

    I think you are amazingly right on the money with the comment about tensing up to keep everything under control. Doing that is extremely fatiguing. I'm likely reigning in various emotions….I may try loosening up consciously if I can remember to do that.Thanks for your kind words and I hope you are doing well.

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