Life is difficult

Life has been difficult lately – inner difficulties, mainly. My outer life has been fairly quiet.

So I haven’t been posting – just waiting to feel better. Since that doesn’t seem to be happening, a quick post anyhow.

I seem to be suffering from PTSD symptoms, though everything is kind of confusing. To aid with the confusion, I’ve been reading a book (my usual coping mechanism) –

by Jasmin Cori. It’s quite an excellent book.

A big focus for Cori is healing through body focused therapies. That totally makes sense when our bodies are the site of the trauma in the first place.

One major point is that trauma makes our system super-sensitive and prone to over-arousal. That happens to me all the time. Once we’re overwhelmed, we then may dissociate, numb out, or in some way ‘leave the scene’.

That is what I’m struggling with. I get into states where I cannot feel and cannot function. It’s very distressing.

So I was trying some Kundalini yoga the other day, and I really like it theoretically. Kundalini focuses on rhythmic movements with special breathing, and focuses on the belly and the spine. I like not having to hold long painful stretches. However, this type of yoga totally triggered me. I can see that it is good for depression, but if you’re struggling with trauma, it’s too much. Well, for me it was. It put me into that PTSD anxiety where I can only crawl into bed and wait for it to pass.

Anyhow, the good thing is, I’m realizing I must be careful not to get overstimulated. For now. And it’s a symptom that others have also, and that I’m not making this up.

I talked to a therapist about 15 years ago about the abuse I went through as a child. So I was hoping I’d done enough with it. But I still have this, so I guess not. Also, a bunch of therapies have been developed since then which I’m hoping will help. At that time, it was considered good to remember and re-experience these events. I’m not sure that’s always a good thing. Now I think there are therapies that can help process these memories so they become regular memories, not traumatic memories that you keep experiencing over and over.

I’ve left a message at a clinic that provides free or low-cost therapy for women assaulted or abused, so we’ll see. Then I’m on a woman psychiatrist’s waiting list, and apparently she believes in therapy, not meds. And I’m off next week to be assessed at a mental health centre. I don’t hold up much hope of this last, as it seems extremely medical. We’ll see. In Canada, psychiatrists are covered under our health insurance, so that’s the only reason I’m still considering seeing one.

Sorry, this seems like a no-good, boring and depressing post. But that’s where I’m at. In a no-good depressing place.

I’ve started going to a meditation group that meets downtown. I think its going to be helpful, though the meditation is a little long for me. I’m a meditation whimp! I have been sitting every day, but 15 minutes is tops for me. I have hopes that this group will teach me more, and I do wish to learn.

  1. ellen, the first time i did kundalini yoga, oh my… yes…it can be "difficult."i detoxed for about two weeks. i felt like crap. i put the DVD away and didn't do that type for another year.when i started again, no adverse side body wasn't ready, i guess, the first time. now it's all i do. :)a meditation group sounds like a most excellent idea! good for you. 🙂

  2. Ellen said:

    That is so encouraging Christine, thank you. It's a lovely yoga DVD, and hopefully a year from now i'll be able to use it…Cheers

  3. Kaci said:

    I've been doing meditation as well. I find that it has been helpful but it is kind of frustrating to do, mainly because I cannot seem to get my mind to settle down. One of the things that I was told to do it to just really try to focus on the breath. Sometimes I count or say a mantra. I hope that it is helpful for you!

  4. Ellen said:

    Thanks Kaci. I've tried counting and just focusing on my breath, and I prefer the second. Good to know we're all out there somewhere, trying to meditate….Thanks for your comment!

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