Gloom, gloom, toil and doom

Again I feel depressed (I typed fell!). This is a journey and I’m bound to backslide.

A symptom – I long for Mr. Wrong again. I fantasize about meeting him at some event and insulting him or his girlfriend. Or I imagine he is phoning me to beg me to come back or ‘be friends’, and I scornfully reject him. He’s sent me a few ‘testing the waters’ type emails, like, oh, here’s this guided walk you might like, nothing personal. He wants to see if I’ll acknowledge him, which I do not do. I believe I would reply if he did say anything personal, but he won’t.

We were only friends for two years, and dating for much less than that. It’s been three months. I should be over this. I think a problem is that I’m not getting out there and meeting others. The others I meet I have no interest in. I’m socially anxious with no large pool of friends for back-up.

The reason this is a symptom of depression? Cause the man treated me extremely badly. Perhaps I feel so worthless that I must cling to him, at least in fantasy, no matter what? A depressing thought. Or the first men in my life mixed abuse with love, so that’s what I go looking for? Another gloomy thought.

Gloom, gloom, toil and doom. I need to get a grip. One reason for writing it down, embarrassing and unflattering as this is – I must not in any way seek to contact him. Putting it out there will strengthen my resolve to be healthy and to look for relationships that help, not hurt.

  1. good stuff!! It must be really difficult not contacting him. If you look back a few months in your blog.. did you think then that you would have come this far? Gives me hope that i will do the same when my mr wrong reappears as I know he willThanks again

  2. Ellen said:

    Hey Happy,Thank you. What a loser this guy is. He’s sent me another email this weekend, which I again ignored. I’m still as angry as ever, which I’m hoping will turn to polite indifference at some point. When oh when? I’m sure you were never involved with such a problematic person. Take care, Ellen

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