A symptom – I long for Mr. Wrong again. I fantasize about meeting him at some event and insulting him or his girlfriend. Or I imagine he is phoning me to beg me to come back or ‘be friends’, and I scornfully reject him. He’s sent me a few ‘testing the waters’ type emails, like, oh, here’s this guided walk you might like, nothing personal. He wants to see if I’ll acknowledge him, which I do not do. I believe I would reply if he did say anything personal, but he won’t.
We were only friends for two years, and dating for much less than that. It’s been three months. I should be over this. I think a problem is that I’m not getting out there and meeting others. The others I meet I have no interest in. I’m socially anxious with no large pool of friends for back-up.
The reason this is a symptom of depression? Cause the man treated me extremely badly. Perhaps I feel so worthless that I must cling to him, at least in fantasy, no matter what? A depressing thought. Or the first men in my life mixed abuse with love, so that’s what I go looking for? Another gloomy thought.
Gloom, gloom, toil and doom. I need to get a grip. One reason for writing it down, embarrassing and unflattering as this is – I must not in any way seek to contact him. Putting it out there will strengthen my resolve to be healthy and to look for relationships that help, not hurt.