Gloom, gloom, toil and doom


Again I feel depressed (I typed fell!). This is a journey and I’m bound to backslide.

A symptom – I long for Mr. Wrong again. I fantasize about meeting him at some event and insulting him or his girlfriend. Or I imagine he is phoning me to beg me to come back or ‘be friends’, and I scornfully reject him. He’s sent me a few ‘testing the waters’ type emails, like, oh, here’s this guided walk you might like, nothing personal. He wants to see if I’ll acknowledge him, which I do not do. I believe I would reply if he did say anything personal, but he won’t.

We were only friends for two years, and dating for much less than that. It’s been three months. I should be over this. I think a problem is that I’m not getting out there and meeting others. The others I meet I have no interest in. I’m socially anxious with no large pool of friends for back-up.

The reason this is a symptom of depression? Cause the man treated me extremely badly. Perhaps I feel so worthless that I must cling to him, at least in fantasy, no matter what? A depressing thought. Or the first men in my life mixed abuse with love, so that’s what I go looking for? Another gloomy thought.

Gloom, gloom, toil and doom. I need to get a grip. One reason for writing it down, embarrassing and unflattering as this is – I must not in any way seek to contact him. Putting it out there will strengthen my resolve to be healthy and to look for relationships that help, not hurt.

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2 comments
  1. good stuff!! It must be really difficult not contacting him. If you look back a few months in your blog.. did you think then that you would have come this far? Gives me hope that i will do the same when my mr wrong reappears as I know he willThanks again

  2. Ellen said:

    Hey Happy,Thank you. What a loser this guy is. He’s sent me another email this weekend, which I again ignored. I’m still as angry as ever, which I’m hoping will turn to polite indifference at some point. When oh when? I’m sure you were never involved with such a problematic person. Take care, Ellen

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