So I joined the gym a week ago, and just worked out for the first time on Sunday. I overdid it. I got on a fancy striding machine, and didn’t really know how to set it. I set the time for fifteen minutes, heart rate – who knows….anyway, I knew it was too much about five minutes in, but no luck adjusting it. So I stuck it out for fifteen minutes, figuring so what if I’m a bit tired.
Exercise makes me anxious / depressed. This goes against all the hype of how great exercise is at fighting depression. But for me, it can send me for a loop of really bad feelings. So what I do is light exercise – jogging, but not too far or fast. Just enough to feel a little better, not enough to really trigger my anxiety.
So today, Monday, I really couldn’t work as the anxiety / depression or whatever it is was overwhelming. I could clean up, do laundry and stuff, but I couldn’t focus my mind on work. It feels as if I disasociate, maybe. Kind of like I’m no longer really there, floaty, like balloons. And you can’t ask a balloon to write a manual – no can do.
It’s as if I am floating over a really black cloud bank. If I let myself fall into the blackness, I may not recover. That is my fear. But while floating, I can’t work. That is my dilemma. Sigh.
Exercise ‘should’ not have this effect. I had a therapist a while back who thought that exercise brings up a huge amount of feelings for me, and that I then shut down. A psychiatrist I once had, whom I dislike and distrust actually, thought it was not possible to feel bad after exercise – I just wasn’t very fit in his opinion. Stupid man.
So I am trying to come down back to normal. In a way, I am less depressed. Just can’t really function. And the anxiety is a kind of blankness rather than fear. That’s why I’m thinking I’m dissociating.
Tomorrow should be a lot better….the good thing about these exercise induced weird states is that they do pass. I am scheduled for a meeting with a trainer tomorrow. I am wondering whether to mention that I have anxiety and want to do some exercise but not too much. But I don’t want to come across as a strange person either and I want to feel comfortable going to the gym.