I’m a balloon

So I joined the gym a week ago, and just worked out for the first time on Sunday. I overdid it. I got on a fancy striding machine, and didn’t really know how to set it. I set the time for fifteen minutes, heart rate – who knows….anyway, I knew it was too much about five minutes in, but no luck adjusting it. So I stuck it out for fifteen minutes, figuring so what if I’m a bit tired.

Exercise makes me anxious / depressed. This goes against all the hype of how great exercise is at fighting depression. But for me, it can send me for a loop of really bad feelings. So what I do is light exercise – jogging, but not too far or fast. Just enough to feel a little better, not enough to really trigger my anxiety.

So today, Monday, I really couldn’t work as the anxiety / depression or whatever it is was overwhelming. I could clean up, do laundry and stuff, but I couldn’t focus my mind on work. It feels as if I disasociate, maybe. Kind of like I’m no longer really there, floaty, like balloons. And you can’t ask a balloon to write a manual – no can do.

It’s as if I am floating over a really black cloud bank. If I let myself fall into the blackness, I may not recover. That is my fear. But while floating, I can’t work. That is my dilemma. Sigh.

Exercise ‘should’ not have this effect. I had a therapist a while back who thought that exercise brings up a huge amount of feelings for me, and that I then shut down. A psychiatrist I once had, whom I dislike and distrust actually, thought it was not possible to feel bad after exercise – I just wasn’t very fit in his opinion. Stupid man.

So I am trying to come down back to normal. In a way, I am less depressed. Just can’t really function. And the anxiety is a kind of blankness rather than fear. That’s why I’m thinking I’m dissociating.

Tomorrow should be a lot better….the good thing about these exercise induced weird states is that they do pass. I am scheduled for a meeting with a trainer tomorrow. I am wondering whether to mention that I have anxiety and want to do some exercise but not too much. But I don’t want to come across as a strange person either and I want to feel comfortable going to the gym.

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3 comments
  1. Tell the trainer that you feel anxious and that you want to start very slowly until you get your head together. The trainer is employed by you and that gives you the control over how the work proceeds. Don’t let him/ her push you in a direction that you are not comfortable with. It is supposed to be fun.I must say – in the strongest possible terms – congratulations on getting out into the world of exercise. I am still sitting on the sofa watching daytime tv 😦 but i live in hope 🙂

  2. Ellen said:

    Hello my friend Happy,Thanks for the comments. I was going to post an entry in response, but didn’t. So. I did mention to the trainer that exercise can make me anxious so my goal is just to increase my fitness by a bit. She gave me a nice easy program. It was OK, though I hate saying I have anxiety to strangers. I’m sure you do more than watch daytime TV :-)Cheers

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