I am once again backsliding in matters of the heart. But luckily just in my mind and not in my actions. And we are allowed to backslide mentally if it hurts no one but ourselves, no? Though I don’t wish to hurt myself either, come think of it.
I am again desperately missing Mr. Wrong. That’s love for you. I keep checking my email in case he has written, I check my messages in case he has called. Though if he wrote to me, I would delete the email. Unless there was some kind of personal message, which he won’t risk, as I didn’t respond to the happy new year email.
It’s unrequited (I just typed unrequired!) love and it sucks. I downloaded some pictures from my camera today and there was one of him, taken the last day I saw him. I analyzed it up and down. First I decided he looked worried and self-absorbed. Then I thought about how when I look at him, I see all these layers – he seems multi-dimensional to me, as opposed to ‘regular’ people. And I love those layers. And about how something about him always seemed like ‘home’ to me, like a harmonious note pitched just right. I really really cared.
Yesterday I was wishing I could just empty these thoughts from my mind, just pour them out. Then I remembered the therapy saying, the only way out is through. I get to feel pain and sorrow for a while longer, but eventually, if I allow myself to feel it, it should pass. Hard to believe when you’re in the thick of it.
Because at the same time, I am furiously angry at how he treated me. I had all this love, and he had a backup girlfriend. How could I have accepted it even for a little while? That’s love for you – it makes you an idiot.