Love hurts

Well, I’m writing with tears rolling down my face. I did not listen to my own wise counsel.

So, some hanky panky with Mr. Wrong. Which triggered his anxiety, so he dashed out of my place like a bat out of hell. Today he has not called me. He sent an email with a rose saying he is tired.

I must must must break with him. I’ve been too anxious and down to work today – only 2.5 hours. I feel so abandoned. I know now that it is his anxiety, not so much that he doesn’t care. But of course I feel all connected and cannot deal with his total and complete absence. And he has said he sees nothing long term with me.

Why do I love what hurts me? I don’t seem to have control. I must get a grip and not see him. Ellen, get a grip!

Wine and Xanax. They help temporarily.

I feel like calling him. I won’t. I don’t want to make this about my problems, my fears…He has problems, he has fears. He deals by complete avoidance. I’m angry. And I’m going to let go if it kills me.


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