It should be a good thing, getting out of something that was bad for me, but if feels oh so bad. Because things were mixed. Along with the bad came a lot of good stuff, like affection and appreciation – stuff I haven’t had for a very long time. Sure, I have friends. But they aren’t the same as a boyfriend are they, even an ex-boyfriend?
What happened was I learned he’d gone back to his old girlfriend. He’d been seeing this woman before he met me two years ago. Then he went back to her when he got mad at me. We got back together, then split because of lack of commitment. God, this is like a Dear Ellie letter. What should I do dear Ellie?
Anyway, he was seeing this woman when we got back together, complaining that he didn’t feel attracted to her. A few weeks in, he told her they should just be friends, but they kept meeting as before, without sex I presume. I guess I thought he had split with her because that relationship was over. But no, he’s right back with her.
He’s wanted to be ‘friends’ with me. Hmm…just like with her. Anyway, he was charming. He’d tell me I was beautiful, that I was funny. And I became more funny around him. But his chief virtue was that I could phone him if I was depressed, and he would listen to me. He’d try to solve the problem, sure, but he’d also be sympathetic. Which as women know is way more helpful than solving the problem.
He played such an important role in my life as a friend. But I cannot get over my anger at the way he’s kept this other woman around everytime we tried dating. She was his backup girlfriend. I find that cowardly and despicable. So finally I let him have the full force of my opinion on this by email. He replied a few times, always missing the point. Now he no longer replied. I asked him to clarify what he meant. Nothing doing.
He told me he would always be my friend. But not such a friend as to be able to take criticism or pain, to acknowledge the damage done, to talk about difficult darker things.
I find it very hard to stop loving. But that is my task. It is humiliating for me to be his friend while he’s back with the other girlfriend. I need to let go. But oh it is painful. And difficult. And sad.