I am depressed.
I know this is again the aftermath of therapy. It’s Saturday, and I manage to get up and have breakfast, and then I go back to bed. I am having such difficulty getting out to get groceries and get in a walk.
Therapy has become about trauma again, the last two weeks especially. Is it supposed to be this hard? I just have no way of knowing.
I’ve been going in and talking about how I feel in various situations – things that upset me. Which leads back to trauma, so that then triggers a whole wack of difficult feelings and sensations.
Although I can’t bear to discuss in much detail, this week I went in and spoke about how I’d struggled that day with our tech support person at work. And how i’d actually been able to realize that I was getting disproportionately upset. She was not being very helpful, though she did show up at my desk a few times. How I’d had these intense feelings of needing care and being rejected. Finally end of day I took a break and sat with my feelings without trying to do anything. It just seemed like feelings a young child might have, needing to be picked up or cared for, and being rejected.
My mother is not a nurturing person (presumably not having been nurtured much herself), and so it fits that when I was very young, she would not have been responsive to me and I would have been left to cope on my own.
I told Ron about this. And about how i’d again attempted to exercise, just ten minutes of aerobics, and how this led to my being unable to sleep. This deeply frustrates me, that a bit of exercise leads to dissociation, which leads to not sleeping.
Then he said something unhelpful about needing to push through discomfort to get the benefits of exercise. To which I said no kidding. That’s not what i’m talking about. My frustration with this boiled over to frustration with him.
At one point he asked whom I received care from in my current life. And I said from him. And he replied he wondered if I realized that….I do realize it. He definitely provides care. I had earlier said something about wishing he knew something about dissociation…to which he didn’t say anything. I’d say I was in a combative and frustrated state of mind, but also, I was prepared to dive into things, so I give myself credit for that.
At another point, I think we were talking about the feeling of wanting care, Ron asked where in my body I feel that. I focused in on my mid-section, which felt sore and hurt, emotionally speaking. And that led to the pain of it all worsening, to the point where i started to fragment into parts.
Part of all this was also trying to figure out what feelings are coming from parts, kind of stuck in the past, and what part from the present day.
The day after the session I’d arranged to work from home, and was almost entirely unable to concentrate. I spent a lot of hours trying though, and got a bit done in the end. I just hurt so much, working seemed impossible.
Today I am still depressed.
I’m also wondering about a new friendship that is proving a bit problematic. I’m telling myself though that it can still be a valid friendship, even if it has difficulties. I don’t know.
I’m disconcerted about how very religious this friend is. She practices a type of Buddhism, and I am interested in it, but not in the total way that she seems to be. She is a group leader, and hosts weekly chanting at her home. She seems to do some kind of organized Buddhist activity almost every day (she is retired). I have joined the chanting, and she is now pushing for me to take membership, which involves receiving a kind of altar and having it installed in my home.
I’m resistant to this. I don’t like being pushed, and I’m unsure about the religion. One issue is I find the theory of it quite culturally foreign. This group originates in Japan, and the magazine, which is the main way they study doctrine, just has a kind of sensibility that feels naive to me. There is little psychological perspective for instance, and a lot of what they talk about is the same as is talked about in all other religions I’ve attended services for – kind of general platitudes, which my friend is promoting as great insights to live by. It’s not that it’s bad, just not very helpful.
A lot of our interactions have devolved into these Buddhist chanting gatherings. Though we did go out to some literature events last weekend. But I’m not sure if she has an interest in being friends if I don’t convert and commit to her religion. Which is discouraging. We do have interests in common – writing, literature, music (she is a musician).
She can be very kind. She is one of the few people i’ve spoken to about my struggles with my past, my therapy, getting through childhood pain. She does get it to some extent and was always kind and never tried to change the subject because it was painful for her. She is a good person altogether.
Yesterday I attended a small informal chant followed by tea she hosts Fridays. Despite my having fallen into trauma land and the related depression, I though some friendly human interactions might help. I was pretty disappointed. We did the chant, which was OK, but then at tea, I thought we might chat and get to know each other (I don’t know the other two women well at all). Instead, over tea, she had us read aloud a hand-out on how to take care of the altar, once we received it. I read out my part in a loud voice, kind of angry. I was in so much pain, and now instead of interacting, I had to read aloud some damn sheet I’d already read anyway? It seemed impossibly like school and having to do things for a teacher. That took up the whole time we had for tea.
I didn’t have much time, as I needed to be working – I was billing the client after all, it was a work day. So I left as soon as I could. This experience didn’t help my mood at all.
In general I feel paranoid and suspicious. I can’t decide if Ron knows what he’s doing.
I’m also suspicious of him in other ways. I go in the evening, when there are few people around the building where he practices. When I came through the locked door to the place you leave your wet shoes, some man was sitting there, and it wasn’t clear what he was doing. On my way home, I wondered if he was waiting for Ron, if he was a friend, or if there was some odd story about this man. I was Ron’s last client.
Stupid to feel so suspicious, on practically no evidence. Just feeling that things were not OK.
As well, Ron has been severely ill. He’s now recovering, but what he had could have killed him. So that added to my general stress and anxiety as well.
Phew. A brain dump. I’m going to at least go for a walk now.