I’ve decided to change the focus of the blog a bit. I don’t seem to be comfortable anymore sharing my therapy notes. I’m still trying to write down what happens in sessions, but am keeping that private. So here I’ll still talk about therapy type issues, and a bit of my own life, but more just as I feel like writing.
First of all, the job interviews situation has picked up, and I’ve had four different interviews recently. Not totally sure why now I’m getting calls, and wasn’t previously. I did add more details to my resume on jobs I had over ten years ago, and maybe that helped. And, I really think some of my work on trying to do better interviews is paying off. I read some books on how to interview, listened to some youtubes, and also practiced some interviews with two different friends. So today was my last interview of the series, and it went pretty well. I do believe if I don’t get an offer, it won’t be because I screwed anything up, in contrast to previous interviews. Also, got my suit pants altered so I can wear a complete suit. Maybe that helped.
The prospect of an interview pushes all my PTSD buttons and I tend to be a nervous wreck the day of. I feel like today, I got more of a handle on it than previously, though I was still quite tense. Something went wrong logistically – the agency only gave me first names of the managers I was to see, then at security they needed last names, and the security person wasn’t very helpful….I very deliberately set everything up so that I’m at the location very early, so I don’t have to rush at all, as that will make me anxious. However, you’re not supposed to announce yourself until five minutes before the meeting, so by the time I asked security to phone the managers, and we discussed the whole situation, I was already late.
Long story short, the manager came down about 15 minutes late, apologizing that he had been held up. In the elevator going up, I was so spaced, I followed some other person out when the door first opened, instead of staying with this manager, and he had to call me back in! Stupid, but just shows how spaced I’d become.
However, it went fine. In the past I felt I alienated the interviewer, and this didn’t happen. I felt we were personally having a decent conversation. If he doesn’t hire me, it may be because I didn’t have some of the exact experience they’re looking for, but it won’t be because I was personally not in tune with the person interviewing. This probably seems like a no brainer to many, but for me, I easily become either flustered or else mildly antagonistic, for some reason.
So this interview, and one I attended on Tuesday, both seem fairly hopeful. Though for the Tuesday one, I didn’t deal with my fear as well, and ended up with some uncontrollable nervous coughing. Near the end of the interview, the interviewer also started nervously coughing….Maybe not a good thing? But still, I have the feeling it wasn’t a bad interview.
The main thing I did to try to counteract my real fear and anxiety today was talking back to the harsh hateful inner critic. I’ve been reading Peter Walker’s great book on CPTSD, and that’s something he thinks is essential for overcoming the anxiety and trauma of PTSD. Talking back to the critic, even becoming justly angry at the critic and at the parents who were so woefully inadequate and instilled this killing critic in a helpless child. I hadn’t been thinking the anxiety was because of the inner critic, but because this helped a lot, I now think it is largely because of that.
I also went for a fast walk in the morning. I’ve newly downloaded some ‘workout’ music, which is a kind of music I don’t naturally gravitate towards. I was listening to that, and it speeds up my steps, so my walk is now more of a workout. I think the exercise helped.
Before the interview, I sat in a cafe close by and listened to an audio book, The Dutch House, read by an actor whose name I can’t remember right now. Very famous in any case. That was kind of soothing as well. So I’m going to follow that routine for future interviews as well. Oh and one supplement, just before leaving – Theanine. It’s a bit calming without making you sleepy.
Another area I’ve had success in addressing is my severe insomnia. When you have issues and go off to therapy, it’s easy to assume the cause is psychological. What I discovered, kind of by accident, is if I have no caffeine beyond a small cup first thing, I can miraculously sleep. Maybe I’d become somewhat allergic to caffeine as I got older without realizing. Since I discovered this a few weeks ago, I’ve stayed off the caffeine and slept pretty well. Amazing. Not so great sometimes during the afternoons when I’m fatigued, but my need to sleep at night outweighs my need to feel perked up. Of course, if I do get back to working, this might be more difficult, but I’m pretty determined to stay off the caffeine and keep sleeping at night.
I’m still going to weekly sessions. The sessions are now triggering me about as much as in my last therapy, with me losing days of functioning to depression after. And really, we’re not going that deep. And this therapy is supposed to specifically be easier to digest as it were. So I’m not happy with that, although I am learning quite a bit about trauma. I’m very unclear as to what is causing this aftermath.
I will leave it at that for now. Hope all of you are doing well.