Therapy this afternoon and now I can’t sleep. Insomnia has been a worse issue than usual for the last few weeks. A few days ago I decided waking every two hours was a bit much even for me, and that it was likely hormonal, so I went off to buy some expensive supplements. They seemed to help a bit but then crap comes up I suppose and nothing helps much. Though my chronic problem isn’t getting to sleep but staying asleep. Tonight it’s getting to sleep.
I wonder if my therapy has run it’s course. It’s now been seven years. I don’t know if this is my usual unhappiness with therapy or more of a conclusion feeling.
I remember when it was all very intense, in the first few years. So very very painful and overwhelming. I realize I’ve withdrawn from it in the last year or two. For one thing, I stopped bringing in parts. It was just too painful to deal with the aftermath of being in a part and feeling all that raw unprocessed childhood despair and fear and whatever else. I’d have a session, and then be left to deal with being in these childhood feelings on my own, except for any emails I might send, which may or may not receive a reply.
With the parts work came a huge attachment to Ron. It was almost inconceivable to think of going on without him while this was going on.
So now I’ve stopped bringing in parts. Ron likely assumes they’re mostly integrated and doesn’t want to encourage dissociation by asking about them. But they’re not. All is pretty much as it was in that department. I suppose I’m more aware though. And I also know now that I need to keep the adult part of me online as much as possible – that having a child part take over isn’t helpful. But it still might be helpful to hear from child parts when they’re not taking over.
This was the first day for me at Ron’s new office, as he had to move due to lease issues. It was OK. I’d actually dreamed that morning about running from house to house, getting lost. I hadn’t connected the dream to his moving until he pointed it out. I’m really quite blind to meaning for my dreams.
I talked about the 12 step meeting. About my life when my son was young, with my ex. Not fun topics. As usual, I don’t go very far into any one topic. I run out of things to say very fast. At the end, I end up ranting a bit about my parents’ ineptitude and hypocrisy. This anger was the first emotion i felt all session, right at the end of it.
I told Ron my situation with the trauma memories is still exactly the same as it was when I started therapy. If I go to the gym, I still shut down the rest of the day and feel dissociated. Even though I do an extremely light workout trying to get around this problem. At my age, if I don’t exercise, I won’t keep my health.
I am considering trying to find a more body based therapist who could help me with the early trauma that causes me to keep shutting down. I don’t have the funds to see two therapists, so I’d have to drop Ron.
I just wonder if this very old-fashioned, talking and compassion type therapy is just not going to help me much more. Even though I do value it. I have always found the lack of theory and of vocabulary to discuss anything with difficult. I said today that I’d really have no idea how to convey to anyone what i was struggling with. Ron had seemed to say last session that if I’m going to groups, it would be helpful to be able to share what I’m going through in an honest way. But with his therapy, there’s no way to talk about anything. Everybody has everything just to different degrees, according to this way of thinking. So everyone has parts, more or less. He never discussed attachment, or boundaries, or narcissism, or anything psychological really. And I understand and sympathize somewhat. Labelling can be problematic. And yet…there seems to be so much lacking somehow.
But, leaving breaks my heart. And in addition, I’m terribly lonely, and he’s the absolute only person who knows me. I have one friend that I see quite a lot, but she is not psychologically minded to say the least, and I never confide much about my feelings. Losing Ron is losing 80% or my human connections.
I can see this therapy continuing forever. There is no goal in sight. Today Ron said we are trying to be more of ourselves. I commented that this is good for anyone then, and he agreed. But I want the thing that’s going to help me, because I have more issues than just anyone. I have specific problems. Whatever. Being more of myself is the cure.
So I’m ambivalent. I’m tempted to quit right now by email. I now feel so dissociated and tense as a result of therapy. I did go in to session very adult, and staying that way makes the rest of me kind of frantic I think. Which I don’t discover until long after the session is over. Because this is my chance to let other parts out, and I don’t take it, and there is no more chance to do that until next week, assuming I don’t quit, and next week I might again have the adult uppermost running the show and wasting the therapy hour.